Kink and Ethical Non-Monogamy in Marriages
Kink in relationships isn’t as taboo as it once was. Research suggests that approximately 10% of the population have engaged in kink with 1-2% reporting that kinky sex is their primary identifier. Of those who engage or have engaged in kinky sex, the average demographic is white, educated and professional. BDSM or power exchange sex play is the most practiced kink and manifests in a number of scenarios (top versus bottom, dominance versus submission, master and slave, caregivers and pet play).
Kinky practices do not necessarily include fetishes, which are defined as the necessity of some object during sex to reach orgasm or achieve satisfaction. Approximately 23% of women and 30% of men report having fetishes, which have been categorized in over 500 types. In her book The Leather Couch, researcher and sexologist Stefani Goerlich categorized the most commonly Google searched fetishes, ranging from most searched terms (lingerie, sex toys, anal play and bukkake) to the least searched forms of play (ball crushing and scrotal inflation).
Open relationships, or ethical nonmonogamy (ENM), is the growing practice of being romantically involved with multiple people who are all aware of and agree to this relationship structure. Approximately 12 to 17% of persons responding to one recent study reported being in open relationships. Ethical nonmonogamy is not necessarily kinky, though the two often overlap.
Marriages and other long-term committed relationship models are evolving within this framework to include less rigid gender roles as well as less traditional and closed sexual roles. ENM can be practiced in a hierarchical relationship style in which the pre-existing relationship is prioritized, or non-hierarchical relationship style in which all partners are given equal consideration without automatic privilege for the pre-existing relationship. Regardless of relationship style, exploring kink or ENM can also add depth and excitement to a couple’s core relationship. But how do couples navigate this terrain while maintaining a stable and fulfilling relationship?
Exploring Kink in Marriage
Communication is Key: The foundation of a healthy kink exploration within a marriage is open, honest communication. This involves discussing desires, boundaries, and expectations in a safe and non-judgmental space. Dedicating time to sharing fantasies, what arouses and inhibits them, as well as their sexual histories and experiences can lay the groundwork for better communication in general before expanding this dialogue to include where they want to take their sexual adventures.
Respecting Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries is essential. Couples should actively listen to each other and respect each other’s limits, ensuring that both partners feel safe and comfortable.
Consent and Trust: The core principles of any successful kink exploration are consent, safety and trust. Coercion, unless part of the consented sex play, should not be part of a couple’s agreement to engage. Consent to all activities, the right to say no, and the ability to be flexible and change one’s mind at any moment, are a must to ensure safety is preeminent. Some sex play has risks and the players must be transparent and informed of those risks before consent can truly be given. These considerations will help build trust, but general trust in one’s partner is necessary for these expansive experiences to be as fun and freeing as they are meant to be.
Integrating Kink into a Marriage
Start Small: Experiment with mild forms of kink. This could involve incorporating new elements into your intimate life, such as trying new positions, using blindfolds, or incorporating light bondage. If you and your partner have been transparent in sharing your turn-ons and fantasies, you may already have a sense of where to begin and where you want to end up.
Education and Exploration: Read, watch, and explore together. There are numerous resources, from books to workshops, that can guide couples into understanding and safely exploring their desires. As mentioned above, Stefani Goerlich’s The Leather Couch is a good reference book for helping to understand the kink community, incorporate the terminology, and explore the “menu” of options.
Seek Guidance: Sometimes, it can be beneficial to seek the guidance of a professional, such as a therapist, especially if there are concerns about navigating boundaries or if sexual exploration causes stress or discomfort. Some couples need help talking to each other about their sexual needs, especially in longer term relationships where these discussions have never occurred or have been limited. Communication is critical to navigating these new waters successfully.
Opening a Marriage to Outside Sexual Encounters
Opening a marriage is NEVER a good way to solve problems within the relationship. If you have sex problems, solve them before you share your issues with other people. Expanding your relationship in this way is only recommended for stable couples.
Opening a relationship romantically and sexually can look different for each couple. Some couples open relationships to explore kink such as power exchange and fetish play, and for others their sexual play may simply involve bringing in a third party or others into the marriage for sex with the couple. Opening a relationship may also allow for solo sexual encounters outside the marriage that do not involve the other. The couple has the power to define the terms of their open relationship however they like—as long as the agreements are specific and clear. Deceit or breaking these rules makes the act a betrayal of trust and constitutes infidelity.
Considerations:
- Establish Ground Rules: Define what is acceptable and what is not.
- BE SPECIFIC. This might include rules about communication, safer sex practices, and emotional boundaries. Do you tell each other about outside sexual encounters, or do you prefer being discrete? Are you allowed sex with friends or people you have other relationships with, or must it be with strangers or people your partner doesn’t know? Are you allowed to text, call, and meet up with sexual partners again, or must these encounters be anonymous or “one-offs?” If you have an emotional relationship with the new sexual partner, how do you manage the impact it has on the prior relationship? Think through the likely scenarios and draft rules accordingly. How does your decision to pursue a hierarchical or non-hierarchical relationship style impact these rules? Put the rules of engagement in writing.
- Constant Communication: Regular, honest conversations are crucial. Address any concerns or changes in feelings as they arise. Each relationship is different, so trial and error are inevitable to achieve maximum security and satisfaction.
- Reassess Regularly: Revisit the arrangement periodically to ensure that both partners are still comfortable and that the relationship remains a priority.
Kink and open relationships can bring couples closer together through shared exploration and increased intimacy. However, these ventures require a deep understanding of boundaries, consent, and trust. While it’s an exciting path for some couples, it might not be suitable for everyone.
In the end, the key to a successful marriage—kink or no kink—is mutual respect, open communication, and a commitment to each other’s well-being and happiness. With these ingredients, couples can navigate opening up their relationship in a healthy way that not only maintains their partnership—it can bring the couple closer together.